Teddy and Me: Confessions of a Service Human Read online

  There’s a similar story about Albert Einstein. At this point he was quite famous and he had agreed to a meeting with some man. Einstein was sitting behind his desk and the visitor said, “Herr Einstein, Herr Einstein, I realize what your theory of relativity means. It means that nothing is real. Nothing is real.” As the story goes, Einstein stood up slowly, walked over to him, and slapped him in the face. And he said, “Is that real?”

  Now do you see what I’m saying to you? Don’t let your philosophy disconnect you from reality or you might put yourself in danger. That might mean slipping on a sidewalk because your head is in the clouds or bicycling through an intersection and killing a civilian because you think you’re invincible, as occurs too often in San Francisco, where there are no laws against these bicycle terrorists. There are in fact many other ways you can get so disconnected from your body that you have no reality, which leads us back to the question of how can I inspire in an age where those who hate us want to kill us and in fact are killing us. The word inspire has in it everything I want to say. Inspire. Inspire. To give you courage, to give you hope, to give you strength, to give you wisdom. That’s what inspire means to me.

  How many times have I gone into a house of worship in my life and walked out feeling emptier than when I went in? That’s why religion is dying in America. It’s not growing. I would go into these houses of worship in the emptiest times of my life and come out feeling worse than before. Do you know why? Because there was no leadership, just like the political class. You go in there, you hear mumbo jumbo and weakness. You don’t want that. You want fire and brimstone. You want a man to get up there and lead you out of your darkness into the light, don’t you?

  Where does inspiration come from? Anger, rage, and false righteous indignation. Okay, fine. You can be inspired by all those things. But then you lose your humanity. That’s the whole point I’m trying to make. You cannot let the cynical times that we are living in deprive you of your humanity. Because if you lose your humanity, you’re going to lose everything. Even if you survive physically, you will die spiritually.

  8.

  HE does not live in my house. It is Teddy’s house. And I am there to serve him. It explains most of a domesticated pet’s behavior, when you think about it.

  China produces most dog “treats,” and so many deaths have been traced to toxins in these horrible pieces of dried duck feet and other garbage nobody would eat. I feed Teddy freshly cooked chicken, carrots, and kibble each and every day. And because he grew up in a Basque restaurant enjoying sirloin, he just won’t eat jerky.

  Whenever we’re out and I mention his name, strangers turn and stare.

  “He’s Teddy?” they say. “So you must be Michael—Michael Savage!”

  “Yes,” I answer, if they don’t look like killers, and add, “I’m Teddy’s service human.”

  What’s that vintage in dog years?

  Those old guys sure had an eye.

  Portrait of Ted by Savage

  Self Portrait of a Service Human

  9.

  TEDDY grew up frequenting a Basque restaurant near where I live. Now you say, what is he doing in a restaurant? Well, there’s a couple of reasons he’s always eaten there:

  Number one, in France, dogs are permitted in restaurants.

  Number two, the owner is a man who loves animals, who loves me, and loves my work, and Teddy is never a problem. He has always been a quiet dog, he never barks, he never messes, he’s grown up eating some of my food. I always order a hamburger, no salt, no pepper and give him half of it, chopped up with a little cold water. He enjoys a little Bordeaux red wine from the tip of my finger, never more than one lick, but he sure enjoys his wine! As the years have gone on, Teddy and I have eaten in several restaurants. He doesn’t bother anybody. In fact, the people bother him more than he bothers anyone else. There’s not much I can say about it other than, if most people’s dogs behaved the way Teddy does in restaurants, I would have no problem with people bringing dogs into restaurants. But that’s not the norm. The norm is that dogs bark, they pee, and they disturb other people in restaurants. And that’s why it’s generally a good rule to not have dogs in restaurants. We don’t feed Teddy from the porcelain dishes, we feed him from paper plates that are disposed of, just in case you’re interested. The reason I take him and I leave the other dogs at home is because of the way Teddy was trained. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but if poodles are left home alone, they sulk for days, they become heartbroken—they literally want to be with you 24/7. Teddy is that kind of dog. Some are like this, some aren’t. If you go in the shower, he’s sitting next to the shower pulling guard duty. You go to sleep, he’s next to the bed or at the foot of your bed. Well, that’s how Teddy is. Teddy is a part of me—I’m a part of him.

  10.

  I’VE owned many dogs but of all my animals I’m closest to Teddy, and I came to know it even more so this year when he had to go in for dental surgery. Teddy is over eleven or twelve years of age, I forget which and, unfortunately, his lower teeth were rotting out. He had some teeth removed a few years ago but these were really bad. They didn’t know if Teddy was strong enough to take anaesthesia, so they had to give him a cardiogram. Well, one of the most heartbreaking afternoons of my life was spent holding Teddy with two veterinary techs as the poor little guy was given a cardiogram to see if his heart was strong enough to take anesthesia in order to have his teeth extracted two days later. Well, he let out a cry during the cardiogram that was almost inaudible to anyone except me. It wasn’t a howl. It was a high-pitched cry at an almost inaudible frequency—something that a whale or a porpoise might give out as a distress sound. But that’s when I heard Teddy’s inner voice talking to me. Well, two days later, he had to go in for this surgery—he was on the table for three and a half hours. When I got him back home that evening, naturally he was still on anesthesia, on drugs just as any human would be. He hardly recognized anything. He was listless but I brought him back to life with, believe it or not, human baby food and the greatest love I’ve given anyone in my life (except for my own children). As I was bringing him back from his pain and drugs, I would quietly hum to him, “Movie star, you’re my movie star.” He responded in the same way that my silent brother did, showing that he knew it was me. Slowly but surely I saw him come back to life, restored to the happy little guy that I have known for so many wonderful years. I don’t know how many years we have left together—that’s up to God, not up to me or the dentist—but I know this: that every moment I have with Teddy is a moment I will cherish.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thank you to my editor Kate Hartson, who loved Teddy at first sight.

  Many thanks also to Vince Remini for his masterful eye.

  Thank you for buying this ebook, published by Hachette Digital.

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  CONTENTS

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  WELCOME

  DEDICATION

  1. YOU CAN JUDGE PEOPLE BY HOW THEY TREAT DOGS

  2. BEST FRIENDS

  3. TEDDY IS MY COPILOT

  4. JEROME

  5. KINDLY DOGS & KINDLY BEARS

  6. TIPPY & ALL MY OTHER DOGS

  7. TEDDY INSPIRES ME

  8. PERSPECTIVE

  9. TEDDY EATS OUT

  10. MOMENTS TO CHERISH

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  NEWSLETTERS

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2016 by Utopia Productions, Inc.

  Cover design by John Hamilton.

  Cover photo by Vincent Remini.

  Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without th
e permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  All photographs copyright © Vincent Remini.

  Book design by Timothy Shaner, NightandDayDesign.biz

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  First ebook edition: May 2016

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  ISBNs: 978-1-4555-3612-2 (hardcover), 978-1-4555-3614-6 (ebook)

  E3-20160531-JV-PC